I quote Jackson Browne a lot. He’s one of the wisest people I’ve ever known, and his writing is and was nothing short of brilliant. This article’s title is a verse from Jackson’s song “The pretender”. And it goes a little something like this. “I’m gonna find myself a girl who can show me what laughter means…….And we’ll fill in the missing colors in each other’s paint- by-number dreams.”
Whether you’re in a relationship or looking for one the answer is the same. In psychology there’s a slang phrase, “symbio-dependent“. It’s short for a symbiotic relationship. Sort of the opposite of a co-dependent relationship and a lot less cold than a independent relationship.
A good relationship is built on love, passion, trust, mutual-respect, and equally as important and often overlooked the final 3 things… Independence, open honest ADULT communication, & now pay attention….. “shared mutual goals”. Any hint of any one of these missing creates problems. Co-dependence leaves one feeling taken advantage of, i.e. one person works while the other blows through their money, or one doesn’t feel like they can survive without the other. If even one person is at all entitled or narcissistic they even think it’s their own money in the case of finances, and forget they didn’t WORK for it. lol Yes legally it is “theirs” in a marriage for example, but that’s just on paper. Resentment can build on the part of the one working their ass off quite quickly in spite of that piece of paper. Co-dependence also limits freedom and growth, lack of trust limits relaxation to say the least, spying on each other, or worse a couple who only has “couple-friends” and can’t have friends of their own on an individual basis because one person fears infidelity by the other. My point is in any relationship a lack of independence leads to resentment for the things one “can’t” do, it leads to a feeling of being trapped. Which leads to infidelity at times, or fights all the time, and a feeling of discontent. The above said, all of the elements I’ve listed as ideal in the beginning of this paragraph must be in place. Once trust is violated, it’s tough to recover from. Once resentment is in place the love begins to die. At that point we find ourselves where many do. they feel trapped. If you leave you might lose too much money, or the family will freak out, or this or that, the child this and that etc. It’s all just excuses. You’re over-thinking and over-complicating you’re own life at this point of no return. Which is wrong because anything is possible to the calm mind. Trust me everything works itself out. It’s not just a Buddhist principle, it’s the truth!!
Many of you feel you won’t find someone new, and you’ll just be single and unhappy so you might as well stay in the thorns as I often say and not make any waves or cause a stir. But I argue that stirs in life are where all the growth, learning, fun, and most importantly magic live. A life with no “stirs” in it is a fucking snore-fest of stagnation!!
I’m reminded of something a very wise old friend I haven’t seen in years named Deanna once said to me when she was going through her divorce back in 2014. I asked her about it, and she said, and I quote, “I would rather be single and unhappy with the hope of finding someone great, than married and unhappy with no hope at all.”
It’s a lesson in being careful where you place your loyalty. Many people stay in bad relationships because of a false-sense of loyalty. An image of marriage that was pounded into their heads often by their family or parents. They “make it work” and suffer through because they were taught it’s “what you do.” Loyalty is a wonderful thing. But misplaced loyalty will get you into trouble, because not only are you being loyal to someone who in many cases may not be worthy of it, i.e. they cheated or they’re just lazy, you’re also rather tragically being disloyal to yourself, your needs, and your desires. Thus feeling caged and trapped in your own life. Which is not a good feeling and only leads to depression, anxiety, and a whole lot of drinking and meds. That’s not living folks!! Heed the words above of my old friend Deanna, because last I heard she’s a very happy lady these days with a terrific terrific new husband and a nice house over near Pasadena.
And remember these words from me….. Whether you’re with someone or looking for someone make sure as Jackson Browne once wrote that they “show you what laughter means“, and make sure they feed your soul, not your ego. Make sure they’re capable of caring more about YOU than they care about themselves. Notice “selfish” and “entitled” wasn’t on my list from earlier. And above all make damn sure you “fill in the colors of each other’s paint by number dreams“. Shared goals are very important, and often if missing and ignored are the number 1 reason divorces among people in the 50+ range in particular are on the rise. If you don’t have shared goals you’re kinda fucked?
I offer the example of my own life. In my own life my retirement plan involves a lot of travel. See new places, explore, and learn new things. That’s the loose plan anyway. But let’s say hypothetically I was married to someone who’s idea of retirement was to sit around the house, eat junk food, and watch TV…….. well…..that’d be a problem wouldn’t it?? Yeah, a big fucking problem!! We don’t have shared-goals. Not to say that your partner has to be with you 100% of the time, of course not, independence and trust as I said are very important in a healthy relationship. But in this example the distance between my idea of retirement and theirs is too vast, and problems would occur. Hopefully you see my point. You need to fill in the colors in each other’s paint-by-number dreams. Otherwise it’s a shitty painting.
A good healthy relationship consists of unconditional love. Most have no idea what that means and put conditions on it all the time. You do this or I’ll leave. You do that again and I’ll leave. Always putting the relationship on the chopping block, yelling and screaming at each other, each threatening to leave the other. Any psychologist would tell you this is as a red-flag. A flag that says, EXPIRED! Not unlike expired food, an expired relationship well past it’s use-by date will make you sick. It’s toxic to the soul, everyone around you, and to your emotional well-being. Unconditional love requires someone caring more about the other person’s happiness than their own. That said, if you’re unhappy why then doesn’t the other person let you go so you can be happy? I can tell you, that’s exactly what I would do, but then I’m not an entitled fuckwit, and I understand the concepts “unconditional”. Hence the statement make on videos to my DF following, “if someone wants to leave, let them go.” A little food for thought there…. Be it marriage or a regular long-term relationship it’s NOT a prison, no one is ever stuck for any reason. Lots of excuses get thrown around, the kids, the family, what will people think, the money, but all of that is nonsense. You’re not teaching a child anything by fighting all the time in front of them. If you are going to stay for a child then you need to be an academy award winning actor and play that Ward and June Cleaver role to a tee… And on the logic side I pose a question to anyone. Anyone either pining for some DM who blew them off or anyone reading this who shows up in my readings all the time as “sitting in it”. The logical question is why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them? The short-answer is low-self worth. But the most common reason people stay is because it’s “easier”. Most people are fucking lazy and fearful. Ah,,,, the easy way…. Is it though???? Based on what I’ve read and people I’ve talked to and the energies I’ve pulled on, I don’t think the “easy” way is so easy at all.
In closing…... “Choose your friends and partners wisely. For they are a reflection of who you are.” That quote means if you’re with a selfish asshole others will assume you’re a selfish asshole too. You will in-turn attract only other selfish assholes to you. Like energy attracts like energy. People assume this from a surface energy that’s created. But in the 3D they just assume why would you be with a selfish asshole if you yourself are not like that? This little fact of human-nature will hopefully hit home for those of you readers who seem obsessively worried about what “other people” think. I’m sorry to tell you those “other people” you worry about so much don’t think what you think they think. Fact is nobody believes anyone’s pretense. We’re all human lie detectors but most aren’t able to actually read the energy. But at the end of the day and this article they’re just being polite and don’t call you out on it.
To take a nod from Shakespeare. “The lady doth protest too much“. It’s important to note that it was written in old-English. We interpret it wrong in today’s language. It was actually in reference to someone trying too hard to prove something was true. i.e. my marriage is great, or, oh I’m so happy look at me!! We interpret this saying today the other way around and use it as someone protesting something to be false too much. Shakespeare was actually talking about someone every SLT follower knows well. She’s the Queen of Wands. But we all know her from my videos as “Fakey McFakerman”.
— Cheers
